When I think about graduation, I feel, in the relatable words of Taylor Swift, “happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.” It really is “miserable and magical.” Senior year is filled with lots of fun, busyness, stress, and excitement, but I feel like it’s not often characterized by sadness. It confuses me how I can be both relieved yet reluctant to graduate, and both so ready to exit high school yet so depressed thinking about leaving it behind.
High school has been by no means easy. I’ve cried a lot, stayed up late studying, lied awake anxiously at night, struggled with certain subjects, and through it all have always thought, “get me out of here, I can’t do it anymore.” I’ve gotten pushed around in the hallways, cut off in the parking lot and have thought, “I hate everyone. I can’t wait to never see them again.” But now that the year is ending and that threat is becoming a reality, I don’t know how true it really is. I think about all the friends I’ve made and all the times I’ve laughed hysterically in class instead of focusing. I think about all the milestones I’ve reached in high school: getting through freshman year online, going to my first real school dance, learning how to drive, and turning 18. And despite how annoying high school sometimes is, I think about the people in my classes and the routine I’ve had for the past four years and feel a fondness towards it all. There’s an immense sense of sadness when I look at my classmates and realize how in just a couple of months, we’ll all be scattered across the United States. “Have a great summer” is turning into “have a great life.” I try to block out these thoughts and focus on the time we still do have together, but it’s getting harder each day as we approach the summer.
A constant reel of memories begins to play in my mind when I sit alone with my thoughts for too long. It starts with childhood and ends with a picture of me on my way to college. I’m not afraid of aging, it’s more that I mourn the loss of youth that I know I won’t get back. High school has been added to the list of periods in my life I will now only be able to reflect on instead of live in. It feels like I’m being forced to enter adulthood, and I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want to grow up even though I know I’m ready for it. What makes it worse is that it seems like everywhere I turn I’m reminded of what I’m about to lose. Every song I listen to reminds me of a special moment in time or a certain person I’m going to miss. It’s like everything is telling me to hold on when, in reality, I’m expected to let it go and move on with my life. I think it’s funny that my daily breakdowns about homework have turned into crying about what it’s going to be like not having it like usual. Coming to terms with growing up really is a confusing thing.
Although I’m excited about college and am reveling in the freedom of leaving high school’s intensity behind, I’m also a little sorrowful and scared of turning a new page. It’s a little daunting having to write more chapters with a different plot line and characters, but high school has taught me that I can handle it, and I can thrive while doing so.