Florida? Florida.

Ben Malo and Edited by Abby Gweon

Have you ever seen a news article and thought to yourself, how did this happen? Honestly, like, “Thief gets caught after stealing car, then stops to get an eclipse mask” or “Woman by the name of Crystal Methvin arrested for possession of crystal meth.” There is only one answer to these headlines, the Sunshine State. Below is a list of 4 news stories from Florida rated out of ten. Sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy the read.

Title one: “Man defecates in jewelry store lot”

Yup, you read that right. Some dude in Florida just popped a squat in the middle of a parking lot, and that’s not even the best part. The best part was when the chief of police commented on the situation and said, “It’s just downright shameful when people don’t give a crap about their town,” Crestview Police Chief Tony Taylor also added. “It really stinks.”  The pure “Florida-ness” of this situation is awesome, and for that I give it a 7.5/10.

Title two: “ Suspect busted while staring at the sun”

This one needs a little bit of back story. So a man by the name of Josan Feliciano stole a car in Florida.While escaping from police, the solar eclipse was happening. This occurs every thousand or so years, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, so naturally Josan wanted to watch. So, he went and bought some eclipse glasses to watch but seemed to forget that he was currently a wanted criminal and was caught almost immediately. This one is pretty funny, but it doesn’t have that Florida aspect that I was hoping for. 6/10.

Title three: “ Man reports himself drunk driving”

On New Years Eve in Polk County, Florida, a guy reported himself for drunk driving…while drunk driving. Now I’m no expert on drunk driving or anything, but I think this has to be a first. The man was quoted in the phone call saying this to the dispatcher:“I don’t know, driving around, trying to get pulled over, actually.”  7.5/10

Title four: “Man found on airplane Tarmac”

This news story happens in the more civil part of Florida, Miami. At the Miami National Airport, a man triggered a huge scare as he somehow found his way ON THE TARMAC. How do you even do that? When police asked the man what he was doing he simply answered, “I got lost.”

9/10 – I have been to a lot of airports in my life but I have no idea how it is humanly possible to get on the tarmac.

Images courtesy of Google Images